from
Comic Strips
by various artists and writers

This page:
9 Chickweed Lane, by Brooke McEldowney
Arlo ’n’ Janis, by Jimmy Johnson
The Brilliant Mind of Edison Lee, by John Hambrock
Crankshaft, by Tom Batiuk & Chuck Ayers
The Elderberries, by Phil Frank & Joe Troise
The Family Circus, by Bil Keane
For Better or For Worse, by Lynn Johnston
Get Fuzzy, by Darby Conley
Knight Life, by Keith Knight
Mallard Fillmore, by Bruce Tinsley

Category:

Comic Artists

index pages:
authors
titles
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topics
translators

9 Chickweed Lane
by Brooke McEldowney

Copyright © 2006 by Brooke McEldowney

Dec. 11, 2006

Juliette:
I want to return to teaching....not full-time. But I want to come back.

interviewer:
When you stormed out of here, you said the trustees are slavering satyrs, the chancellor is a money-grubbing hologram, and that the students’ only potential contribution to society is as offal and sausage casing. You reviled the very ground upon which the university rests, suggesting that a well-aimed meteor, and enough salt to sow in its crater, would be just the ticket.

Juliette:
You memorized what I said?

interviewer:
We intone it at the beginning of faculty meetings.

Topics:

Insults

Universities

Dec. 13, 2006

student:
Professor Burber, I was just wondering, do you hold, as many of us do, that students have a right to expect certain grades just for attending a course?

Juliette:
You’re speaking of grade entitlement....and, yes, I’m one of its strongest proponents.

You’re entitled to an F.

Topic:

Teachers

text checked (see note) Dec 2006

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Arlo ’n’ Janis
by Jimmy Johnson

Copyright © 2007, 2009 by NEA, Inc.

April 3, 2007

TV:
Millions of Americans suffer from hypochondria. Now, help is available in “Symptaid”! Ask your doctor if “Symptaid” is right for you!

Side effects may include headache, muscle cramps, fatigue, anxiety, bloating, itching, dizziness, rash, irritability, joint pain, sleeplessness, dry mouth, vague discomfort...

Topic:

Medicine

February 20, 2009

Arlo:
I see your problem! This book makes bread-making sound like rocket science! Just mix up the dough, let it rise, bake it, learn, try again later!

Janis:
I know from experience, you’re most dangerous when you make the most sense.

Topic:

Advice

text checked (see note) Apr 2007; Feb 2009

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The Brilliant Mind of Edison Lee
by John Hambrock

Copyright © 2009 John Hambrock

April 21, 2009

Edison:
The way I see it, people can’t be selfless without selfishness. So, I’ve decided to be selfish so others can be selfless.

Joules:
I admire your selflessness.

Edison:
Someone’s gotta do it.

Topic:

Self-denial

October 24, 2012

Orville:
A vote for me will mean better wages, better health care, and a better standard of living.

Voter:
You can promise those things for all of us?

Orville:
All of you? I was talking about for me. Do you want all that stuff too?

People expect way too much these days.

Topic:

Politicians

text checked (see note) Apr 2009; Oct 2012

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Crankshaft
by Tom Batiuk & Chuck Ayers

Copyright © 2011 by Mediagraphics, Inc.

June 12, 2011

television:
So what can be done to prevent the damage from future earthquakes? For one thing, architects can design buildings that are earthquake-proof such as the Frank Gehry-designed building in Las Vegas.

If an earthquake were to strike it... who would know?

Topic:

Architecture

text checked (see note) June 2011

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The Elderberries
by Phil Frank & Joe Troise

Copyright © 2006, 2007 Universal Press Syndicate

Sept. 3, 2006

Professor:
Okay, Dusty! We’ll meet at 7p.m., tonight in the lounge to play cards! Can you remember that?

Dusty:
Can I remember that? I was supposed to have dinner with Boone last night at 7p.m., but I plumb forgot!

Sorry, Boone!

Boone:
Not a problem, Dusty! Luckily, I forgot you were coming over! I went to bed at 7 o’clock!

Evelyn (thinks):
Ahhh ... the social calendar at Elderpark...

Topic:

Age

Dec. 5, 2006

Professor:
Today’s topic is “Man and Machines.” Some scientists think that one day computers will be able to think and reason like humans. Comments?

Boone:
No way!

Professor:
Why not, Boone?

Boone:
Because artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity!

audience:
Hear! Hear!

May 25, 2007

Professor:
So, how can you tell what you’re pulling up there?

Evelyn:
Simple. If it’s hard to pull, it’s a weed...

Professor:
Okay.

Evelyn:
If it comes out easily, it’s your favorite perennial.

Topic:

Gardening

text checked (see note) Sep, Dec 2006; May 2007

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The Family Circus
by Bil Keane

Copyright © 2005 Bil Keane, Inc.

Dec. 14, 2005

Teacher:
Who can tell me what a subordinate clause is?

Billy:
One of Santa’s helpers!

Topics:

Santa Claus

Puns

text checked (see note) Dec 2005

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For Better or For Worse
by Lynn Johnston

Copyright © 2009 by Lynn Johnston Productions Inc.

April 22, 2009

Ellie:
Michael, there are some words that you just cannot say! I know you hear grownups using bad words sometimes, but that’s no reason for you to do the same!!

Michael:
That’s not fair. To me, they’re just words ... Grownups know what they mean!

Topic:

Swearing

text checked (see note) Apr 2009

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Get Fuzzy
by Darby Conley

Copyright © 2010 by Darby Conley

July 6, 2010

Bucky:
OK, so this is soccer. When does the actual game start?

Rob:
It has started. It’s almost over, in fact.

Bucky:
But nothing’s happened yet... I don’t think you can call nothing a game.

Rob:
That’s soccer, Bucky.

 

Bucky:
How do you know this isn’t some kind of low-emission, shoe-based, pregame grounds-keeping?

Topic:

Games

text checked (see note) Jul 2010

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The Knight Life
by Keith Knight

Copyright © 2009, 2011, 2012 by K. Knight

Oct. 1, 2009

Talk radio:
Listen to this one, folks: A grade school student is accused of shouting down his teacher in class!! Not that it matters, but you could probably imagine what ethnicity this kid is...

If we allow this savagery to continue, it will spell the end of America!!

Next up: A list of gun shops closest to where the President is speaking tonite!!

Jan. 16, 2011 I think we all would be better off if we approached life like a Zamboni: slow, steady, humming along with the ability to smooth life’s rough patches.
July 24, 2012

Knight:
Excuse me!! Can you explain why supermarket produce is so tasteless?

grocer:
Sure!! For commercial farmers, the two most important qualities of their produce are looks & durability for shipping!! Flavor is not a priority!! Hence, it looks good but it’s tasteless!!

Knight:
Hollywood hath hit the supermarket!!

tomatoes:
Don’t hate us because we’re beautiful!!

Topic:

Food

text checked (see note) when added

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Mallard Fillmore
by Bruce Tinsley

Copyright © 2004 by King Features Syndicate, Inc.

Dec. 6, 2004

Mallard:
Oh, look!... the 456th E-mail I’ve gotten calling the “red states” “Jesus Land”....and/or stereotyping “red state” Americans as cavemen with low IQs.... For a bunch of people who say they “celebrate diversity and tolerance”...these liberals do a darn good bigot impression...

Note (Hal’s): This strip was on a “trial run” in the Star Tribune, and this installment ran accidentally when they failed to switch to the next trial strip. It has since become permanent, replacing a much better (and far less nasty) one in an apparent attempt to achieve political balance.

I thought it made an excellent point. Unfortunately, the rest of the trial run and most subsequent strips have been overwhelmingly devoted to exactly the same sort of stereotyping (except aimed at liberals!) bemoaned here by the author. I fear he missed his own point—unless his intended point was that openly-avowed bigotry is okay because it’s not hypocritical.

I suggest a round of Matthew 7:1-5 for the house.

— end note

Topic:

Bigotry

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