Dilbert by Scott Adams
Copyright © 2005, 2006, 2007, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2021, 2022 Scott Adams, Inc.
|
---|
2005 | March 18 |
Asok: The conference call was a huge success. Three out of 15 people were available and only one of them forgot to call in.
Pointy-haired Manager: So it was a phone call between two people?
Asok: It would have been if they hadnt used the mute buttons.
| Topic: Technology
|
July 17 |
Dilbert: This budget would only work if the project encountered no problems whatsoever.
Manager: So?
Dilbert: All projects have unexpected problems. Therefore, this budget is almost certainly wrong.
Manager: Leaders do not plan for failure.
Dilbert: Do leaders make deceptive forecasts and later act shocked when things dont work out?
Manager: No. A leader first makes himself believe the lie, thus turning deception into an inspiring form of optimism.
| Topic: Optimism
|
August 29 |
Dogbert: I decided to start a discount religion. The tithing would only be 5% and Id let people sin as much as they wanted.
The only problem is that I dont want to spend time with anyone who would join that sort of religion.
| Topic: Religion
|
October 27 |
Manager: Management is pleased to announce that it has a plan to make your pension fund solvent.
In unrelated news, the guidelines for workplace safety have been relaxed.
| Topic: Economics
|
2006 | March 24 |
Dogbert: My idea is to drape a huge tarp over the hideous scupture in the courtyard. My message will be that art is as much about the negative space as the positive.
Plus its not really art unless someone is winning.
| Topic: Art
|
December 23 |
Wally: I heard the guy you voted for just confessed to having an affair with a squirrel.
Dilbert: Shut up. The guy you voted for is being sued for choking his secretary.
Wally: In some countries they dont get a choice of who to vote for.
Dilbert: I feel sorry for them.
| Topic: Democracy
|
2007 | May 7 |
Dilbert: Can I ignore E-mail from people who dont include my original message in their reply?
Dogbert: Yes, and you can hate them, too.
Dilbert: 90% of happiness is picking the right ethicist.
| Topics: 90%
Ethics
|
June 11 |
Wally: This week I mapped and gapped the requirements to consolidate everything into a program of work to maximize synergy capture and optimize our resource utilization.
If any of that sounded like work, Ill do some more of it next week.
| Topic: Fakin it
|
November 26 |
Manager: Were going to try something called agile programming. That means no more planning and no more documentation. Just start writing code and complaining.
Wally: Im glad it has a name.
Manager: That was your training.
| Topic: Computer programming
|
2009 | November 5 |
Catbert: Wrong is one of those concepts that depends on witnesses.
|
2010 | November 25 |
Asok: I requested an Ethernet switch and you sent me a box of pencils.
Bob the dinosaur [Director of Purchasing]: Sometimes I tweak the non-standard orders so I can use our approved vendors.
Asok: You cant tell the difference between a switch and a pencil?
Bob: I can tell the difference between your problems and mine.
| Topic: Bureaucracy
|
2011 | November 27 |
Dilbert: Ive read about this. Its called smartphone interface rage. Its caused by the perfect storm of bad interface design, chubby fingers, and poor signal strength. Hell get so frustrated that hell consider smashing his phone. Then hell realize he cant survive without his phone and hell be twice as frustrated. We have to do something.
Wally: Run as fast as you can into the wall! It will take your mind off of your phone!
Sometimes the best you can hope for is that the lesser of two evils is the funny one.
| Topics: Humor
Evil
|
2012 | June 6 |
Dilbert: Your second paragraph is pointless and confusing. Lets just delete it.
Tina: Im a highly trained technical writer. What makes you think you can do my job better?
Dilbert: That might be a trick question, but Im pretty sure the answer is paragraph two.
|
June 9 |
Dilbert: Youre intentionally making my life more difficult?
Catbert: What do you think management is?
|
2021 | January 11 |
Dilbert: I have an idea for a keyboard design that we upgrade every six months by rearranging where the keys are.
Manager: Why would we do that?
Dilbert: To make it better.
Manager: That would only make it harder to use.
Dilbert: Exactly like our software upgrades. Whats your point?
| Topic: Computer programming
|
November 3 |
Manager: How do you make everything sound like a bad idea?
Dilbert: Im an engineer.
|
November 5 |
Manager: A Twitter user describes our user interface as a cross between a skunk fight and orthopedic socks.
Dilbert: That doesnt make sense.
Manager: Apparently, neither does our user interface.
|
November 10 |
Dilbert: Why would anyone hire a sociopath to design a user interface?
Manager: Thats the way weve always done it.
|
2022 | August 15 |
Manager: Our research group has developed a chip that can be inserted into a human brain.
Dilbert: Is that so people can control the Internet with their thoughts?
Manager: If you think the causation will work in that direction, I dont want to talk you out of it.
|
December 22 |
Manager: I would like to withdraw my funds from your crypto exchange, but I cant find that menu choice on your app.
Dogbert: We plan to add that option in a future release.
Manager: So. . . how do I get my money?
Dogbert: Try hacking us. We have terrible cybersecurity.
|
text checked (see note) when added
|